“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
— Jeremiah 17:9
"A man must believe he is lost before he can be saved."
— D.L. Moody
Everything changed in 2017 when God began the process of revealing Himself to me. In hindsight His timing was impeccable. My addictions and shameful secret aside, life couldn’t have been any sweeter. I was engaged to the absolute love of my life, sharing a new home together with our precious English Bulldog. Most of our evenings and weekends were spent amongst a multitude of dear friends and we enjoyed a very active lifestyle within the surrounding community. Work was going exceptionally well; I was a career graphic designer beginning to emerge within the company as a dependable and dedicated artist. Life appeared to be great, but God had other plans. At that particular moment, when my achievements and sense of fulfillment seemed to stand at their highest point thus far, He chose to unveil my hidden and shameful sin—not only before those dearest to me, but also before friends, neighbors, my wider community, and, in time, the world itself. For the very first time I was forced to truly confront my own brokenness as I began to understand that I was genuinely lost to my pride, to sinful habits, to the wayward thoughts and desires that drew me astray, and to the fleeting pleasures of the world that I had built my life around.
Despite growing up in a Christian household, surrounded by a thoroughly Roman Catholic extended family, having dutifully attended church for 18 years, and eventually matriculating through a parochial grade school and high school, I lived thirty-eight years of my life in spiritual darkness. Certainly, I knew about God, but in no way did I actually know Him. Nor did I want to! For nearly forty years I lived for myself, I lived for the weekend, and I endeavored to cater every aspect of my life according to the wants of my flesh as much and as often as possible. Two addictions in particular came to dominate my life—alcohol and pornography. The combination of the two allowed for the most foolish and reckless decision-making imaginable. Antes were upped, lines were crossed, and on occasion I found myself doing the unimaginable—navigating the darkest and most disquieting back alleys of the internet in search of deviant sexual content involving teenage minors.
“Only one kind of basic dealing can enable man to be useful before God—brokenness.”
— Watchman Nee
At thirty-eight, my life unraveled—I lost my fiancée, most of my friendships, the home I had only just begun to build, the career I had worked so hard for, and, with it all, my sense of dignity. Additionally, I was facing a lengthy incarceration for my selfish and careless actions. For the first time in my life I was completely shattered. At that time I didn’t understand the truth of Watchman Nee’s words: “to break our will, God must strike us with a heavy blow until we prostrate ourselves in the dust and say, ‘Lord I dare not think, I dare not ask, I dare not decide on my own. In each and every thing I need Thee.’ In being thus stricken, we learn that our will is not to act independently of God.” Until then, I had lived by my own will above all else. But over the course of ten painful months, God arranged the circumstances of my life in such a way that I was steadily drawn nearer to Him, and made increasingly aware that it was His will—not mine—that was directing my steps..
“What looks like an ending can be a beginning.”
— T.S. Eliot
It was pitch black in the back of a large van driven by U.S. Marshals. Tears streaming down my face as I wrestled with thoughts of ending my life. How had I arrived at such a place? Though I had begun to experience the power of the Holy Spirit, five days in county jail had been enough to break my fledgling faith and overwhelm me with hopelessness. The reality of years of incarceration sent me spiraling into the gloomy pitch black of despair, plummeting into the darkest and most sinister depths of Satan imaginable—and then I saw it.
A thin beacon of light penetrating the dark. I followed the shaft of light to a small circular opening on the upfit to one of the back doors. Perhaps a large bolt had come loose? I leaned slightly forward and turned my head, peering through the aperture. It happened to be perfectly aligned with the license plate of the vehicle behind us. Strange, however, that there was no identification number to be found on it. Nor was there any identifying state or year. In fact, there were no official decals of any kind. It was simply all white with blue capital letters reading only: GOD
My faith rebounded in a millisecond with the magnitude of an atomic bomb as memories of God evidencing Himself to me countless times over the previous months surged through my mind and exploded into my heart. I began to sob uncontrollably, but these were now tears of unfathomable joy. No words were spoken, but I knew in that moment that God had once again condescended to manifest Himself directly to me, clearly intimating that He would never leave my side—let alone right then during the darkest moment of my life. Immediately, the twisted and macabre thoughts were banished; immediately, my faith was buttressed a millionfold. I was scared and had no clue what the future held for me, but I knew with absolute certainty that I would not be alone.
“Love is not truly known until it is tested in adversity.”
— Unknown
I’m not sure if there is anything on this side of glory that instills more fear, anxiety, and hopelessness than the idea of spending years of your life in prison. I can assure you it is the worst feeling imaginable. On April 13, 2018, I was sentenced to 74 months at Fort Dix FCI, the nation’s largest low-security prison located in New Jersey after pleading guilty to 18 U.S.C. 2252 (a)(2) Receipt of Images of Minors Engaging in Sexually Explicit Conduct. My crucible had begun. But God was true and never once left my side. For the duration of my stay, He placed a hedge of protection around me, surrounded me with the most loving and spiritually-minded brothers in Christ, provided for all of my wants and needs, and continued to guide me closer and closer to Him through intense fellowship, daily Bible study, and continual prayer. God’s unfathomable love for me was so clearly evidenced during this time of immense spiritual growth and development. Eventually it became very clear to me that God was preparing me for some future work or ministry yet to be revealed.
“No man can think straight until he is born again.”
— D.G. Barnhouse
Within only a few months of experiencing God’s profound presence in my life, I came to embody what the Bible describes as being “born again” (see John 3:3, 5, 7). To the best of my awareness, this moment took place in the presence of Father Stephen at the St. Pius X rectory in Norfolk, Virginia in 2017. Ironically, it was Father Stephen’s encouraging words for me to personally own and read my Bible that ended up being the catalyst for the next 5 years of intense and diligent Bible study. With a newfound love and loyalty towards Jesus Christ, and feeling strongly that I should be drawing closer to Him through His very word, I began a journey that would ultimately lead me far away from the errors of a legalistic and works-based salvation and into the pure and radiant light of a bibliocentric faith in Jesus Christ alone for my eternal security. In the weeks and months to come, I would begin to experience firsthand the regenerative work of the Holy Spirit in my heart and in my mind. It became unmistakably clear that He had begun a profound work within me—softening my heart, purifying my thoughts and speech, and laying the groundwork for the extraordinary spiritual journey that lay ahead. This was not merely a change of circumstance, but a quiet reshaping of my very nature, preparing me for a path I had yet to fully comprehend.
“Make your mess your message.”
— Robin Roberts
Over 200 Christian books were devoured during my incarceration. Hundreds of hours were spent reading and studying the Bible. Over 400 pages of notes and research were produced. Multitudes of Bible studies were created and presented to fellow inmates. I was actively involved at the Fort Dix chapel, assisting as a sound technician and usher. I served as an elder for the small congregation that resided within our housing unit. I was discipled by spiritual powerhouses the likes of Dr. Jeffrey Bado (Calvary Chapel Philadelphia) and Mr. Jonathan Davey (son of Keith H. Davey, co-founder of the Bible Broadcasting Network and founder of Missions to Military in Norfolk, Virginia). I even had the tremendous honor of leading a lost man to Jesus Christ and beginning his path to discipleship. Yes, God was preparing me for something truly special.
Since my release, recovery has been a central focus of my life. I have been committed to multiple paths of restoration, participating in group and individual therapy, as well as attending Celebrate Recovery, where I continue to work on my personal healing and spiritual growth. These experiences complement my ongoing discipleship and ministry, reinforcing the transformation God has wrought in me. Additionally, I have independently published two books: Biblical Gems: 100 Essential Memory Verses And Their Illuminating Insights (2023) and Casting Down Imaginations: Eisegesis, Eschatology, and the Book of Revelation (2025). To this very day, I continue my research as God allows for new projects to come into view—this website being one of them. Its primary function is to glorify God, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, through my personal testimony of deliverance from the depths of spiritual darkness into the light of redemption. As they say, I am making my mess my message. Nothing is more important to me than being completely transparent about who I am and what I have done, but most of all about the radical changes I have experienced in my life by the grace of God and the new man I am in Christ.
I may not see Him, yet God is undeniably real and powerfully present in my life. And truly, if God does nothing else for me, He has already done immeasurably more than I could ever deserve.
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature:
old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”
— 2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)